Hair

Hair can signal so many things. Most of my life, I had long hair like I was supposed to being raised as a girl. I was relatively tomboy-esque as a kid, but I still wanted to keep my long hair. As a young adult, I would often grow my hair out long and then chop it short. I was never fully satisfied with it. When I came out as bi, I cut my hair short again. I am in a straight-passing marriage, and I wanted a signal that I also belonged to the queer community. Hair seemed like the easiest way to do that. I started with an undercut and then my hair started getting shorter and shorter. Eventually I realized I’m also nonbinary. I’m not a stickler about pronouns. I don’t really care what pronouns anyone uses for me. If you ask me or I have to type it into a field, I’ll use they/them. But if someone calls me she or he I’m not bothered. I don’t really talk about my gender very much because I mostly feel like genderless blob which is hard to describe. I do dress/style pretty androgynously, which I think some people catch on to more than others. However, I’m starting to grow my hair back out. I miss the simplicity of a bun or whatever when I can’t be bothered to wash it. And as much as I want to be proud of my body, it’s hard to get past a lifetime of being told what the ideal body looks like, and look… I know I have a hump. I want to cover it with my hair, ok? BUT then I wonder… how will people know I belong in the queer community? How will they know I’m nonbinary if I have longer hair again? Then I tell myself it doesn’t matter because who cares if they know so long as I know? Also body presentation does not equal gender. But THEN I’m like… but I WANT them know. And I don’t want to tell them. And then my brain backfires and I give up on this argument with myself.

Anyway, just something I’m struggling with right now. Never thought hair could be something I think about so much.